her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize
