I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
