I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
