so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
