I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just pee around me
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
