dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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