She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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