i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
