i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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