theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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