jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
