Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
