Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Actions speak louder than pants.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
