I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
