don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
