awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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