first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
