I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
