I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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