Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
