Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
