So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
