Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
