i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
