My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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