Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
