happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
