John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
