we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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