i already hear my dad disowning me
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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