We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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