I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
they need to just BURY HIM!
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
