Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
