Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
