I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
