It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
