my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
