Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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