I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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