Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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