She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
