i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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