Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
