who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
