you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
