Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
