before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
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At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
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GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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