I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
