My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
