Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
how does that bad decision feel?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
