I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
