The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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