Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
