There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
