Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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