There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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