Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
