and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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