haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
