I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
